Where do I begin?  This is a subject that many of you have probably had to deal with.  Statistics show that 1 out of 8 women get this.  Well, now I guess it's my turn.  I just found out a few weeks ago that I have breast cancer.  I feel some anxiety just typing the words "breast cancer."  That's something I've always heard others having to go through, but prayed it would never get me.  I guess I'm not invincible after all.    

I've gone through a lot of emotions already...shock, scare, nervous, anxious, and denial just to name a few.  I've also tried to stay on the positive side, to see this as an eye opening, life changing experience.  I know I will never view my life or myself the same, again.  I could probably compare this to when I experienced the death of my first husband when I was 20 years old.  I'm hoping this experience won't be quite as devasting, but in some ways it does still feel like a loss.  Loss of control over my body, loss of a part of my anatomy, and loss of things my mind use to think about before it started thinking about cancer.  I often times wonder what my mind thought of before this cancer thing came into my life, but it seems to think about this issue most of the time, now.  It's the first thing my mind thinks about when I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I think about when I lay my head on my pillow at night, and then let's not even talk about how often it enters my mind throughout the day.

I will journal my process as I go along in hopes that if anyone else has to deal with this, they will know that they are not alone, and there are others of us going through this as well.  I've heard that out of all the cancers, breast cancer is the easiest to beat, especially if you catch it early.  I'm hoping that's the case in my senario since it did not even show up on my mammogram.  I actually found the lump.  So, here's a great lesson to all you women out there.  DO NOT rely solely on your mammograms.  Do your self-examinations, look in the mirror, get very familiar with your breasts... how they look, their shape, the color of your skin, etc.  Personally, I first noticed a color change, very slight, but enough to make me feel around the area.

Since nothing showed on my mammogram, they decided to do an ultrasound, which did show something.  The next step was a biopsy, which was not pleasant.  Normally, it should be simple, but the doctor I had evidently didn't know what he was doing and didn't get me completely numb.  Therefore, it was rather painful, but I survived.  Almost passed out, but made it through after they tilted me back for awhile and gave me some juice.  My body just didn't like the pain.

I met with my surgeon Beth Dayton, who came highly recommended.  I'll let you know if she's any good after I'm done with this whole ordeal.  She said at best I will be having a lumpectomy and doing radiation for 7 weeks / 5 days a week.  Ugh!!  But first, she wants me to have an MRI, which is scheduled for January 2nd.  I have to have a contrast MRI, which means they shoot some dye in my body through a needle.  Not looking forward to it.  Since the lump doesn't show up on the mammogram, my surgeon wants the MRI to see if she can see more of what's going on before she cuts me open.  She wants to know if this is just a tiny lump in early stages or if it's just the tip of an iceberg.  I'm hoping for tiny.

I could use all the prayers, mantras, chants, positive energy, whatever you can send my way to help me through this.  I have a tendency to think the worse, but I'm trying to do things differently (it's not easy).  I know positive thoughts within myself can make a big difference on my process. 

If you'd like to add your comments, share your experiences, etc. I'd love to hear from you.  Or, if you want to keep things more personal, you can email me directly.

In Spirit ~ Kim
P.S. Click on the "## comments" link below this sentence to get the most recent information.

My Dear Friend, Thank you for sharing your story. This is my first Blog ever -- see how sharing your experience has already helped someone to move out of their comfort zone and closer to life and connecting... In all the years I've known you, you have consistently been a kind, genuine and courageous soul. And you have known how to access that precious healing place inside your being, as well as the wisdom and positive energy offered by those who love you. …It is hard to know what are the right words to say right now, but I offer you this as a reminder to please keep letting the spiraling circles of love and friendship that surround you, be there for you now more than ever, and keep breathing into that place inside of you that is one with nature and knows how to move toward healing and light and even how to keep tapping into moments of bliss along the way. 

As one healer to another, one friend to another, I am sending you my positive thoughts and healing energy -- and will be there for you in the physical form as well how ever that might be needed, as I know is the same for many of us in your community. We all love you so very much dear Kim! Please keep on smiling, crying,,, whatever you need to do. With Love, Adeena ;)

Adeena,

Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement and support. And congrats for stepping out of your comfort zone and posting your first blog!

Your sharing warmed my heart and reminded me of what a wonderful community of friends and support I have. You always were good with words and conveying just the right meaning. I will heed your great advice, and refer to this blog when things get tough. Love ~ Kim

Kim - Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Of course, we would do anything you or your family need so please add us to the short list of go-to people when you or your family need anything. Thank you for being so open about your experience - it is really good to know how things are going along the way so thank you so much for sharing. I know you will hear this a lot from people and I don't know if it helps but I can tell you that my mother had exactly what you are describing. She detected a lump very early (we have a very strong family history of breast cancer), had a lumpectomy and radiation. The radiation was tough because the skin in the area of her arm pit would get very red and sore (like a bad sunburn). That was almost 10 years ago and she has remained cancer free. So good that you detected yours in the way you did. Again, let us know if we can help. Much love, Diane and Cindy:)

Diane and Cindy,

Thanks for your comments, offer to help, and encouraging news. I had my MRI this morning, so next Monday, the 8th, I should know more about what we're dealing with (early stages or advanced). Let's hope for early stages.

I think one of the hardest things about all of this is the "waiting" and not knowing how advanced this is. I can't believe how long it takes before you can actually get any real answers. This whole thing started on December 11th. It is now January 2nd, and I still won't know anything until the 8th. It will have been almost a month of not knowing what stage I'm in. It amazes me that they keep someone hanging for so long.

As for the MRI, it wasn't so bad. The dye made me feel a bit warm and light-headed. Good thing I was laying down. I think the idea that they are shooting dye in my veins freaks me out more than the actual process itself.

The machine is noisy, but they give you earplugs. Sometimes, when the machine would do this certain noise, I would feel a twinge in a certain spot on my lower back. I asked the technician why it did that and he said it was probably stimulating a nerve, so that was interesting. I wonder if they stimulated my nerve enough, if my lower back pain would disappear?

I spoke with a couple of Naturopaths yesterday and found out some interesting information I thought I would share with you all just incase any of you are faced with this same issue.

First, there have been studies done on the timing of when to perform breast cancer surgery. They have found that there are a lot of benefits when your surgery is done during the Luteal Phase (Day 14 to 23 of your cycle). Here is one resource if you'd like to read more about it: Luteal Phase.

Also, there have been studies showing that if you can remove a clean one centimeter of tissue beyond the cancer, that the odds of survival and re-occurrence are the same as if you remove less tissue and do radiation.

I've also learned that there is a lot of estrogen in cows. That they shoot estrogen into the animals to help them grow faster. Then, that gets passed onto us when we eat it, which can then lead to too much estrogen in our bodies and cause cancer. To prevent this, you can look for organic meat and dairy, etc. Or, look for foods that say "no hormones."

Hope this info helps. If anyone has any more helpful information, feel free to add to this.

Kim,
I was touched by your words. Thank you for sharing and allowing us to be a part of your family. I would like to let you know that I to had a scare - but mine was a few years ago. Breast cancer runs in my family, so I have had several mammograms and ultrsounds done since I was 18. I have several cysts in my breast and a few years ago during my annual mammogram (which took 3 times) they found a lump on my right breast, I have never had an issue with my right side - so I was scared and the fact that they smashed my breast so many times - they immediately sent me to get an ultrsound done and the next week I saw my gynocologist and she referred me to see Beth Dayton as well - my lump turned out to be benign - and I was so relieved. I know that you will be in good hands with Dr Dayton. And both mine and Kathy's prayer are with you - We will keep positive thoughts and send positive energy your way.

Kim, Dr. Dayton is great! She has done one of my surgeries. Your a strong womyn and I feel that with your positive attitude you can get through this. Take one day at a time and remember that you are loved by many!:)

Well, today was the BIG day where I met with my surgeon to decide what to do next. Her advice is to definitely remove the lump. She said the MRI showed about a 2 centimeter size lump, so she'll be removing tissue about the size of a ping pong ball or golf ball. My surgery is scheduled for the 17th at 12:30pm. Check-in time is 10:00am, so I'll have over two hours of hanging around the hospital and getting prepped for surgery. I have to tell you all that I REALLY, REALLY don't want to do this!! I feel my little girl inside just kicking and screaming say "NO! NO! I don't want to go through this!" I would love to just be able and go more towards the idea of doing energetic healing, reiki, accupuncture, chanting, anything but surgery and radiation. But, I also don't think I have the patience or complete faith that that's the way to go. I have a family to think about, and all of you out there who have become such a big part of my heart. So, I'm just going to bite the bullet and move forward with the surgery and radiation (at least I hope that's all I'll have to do - I won't know for sure until after the pathology report). Please keep sending those prayers, chants, mantras, positive energy, etc. I'm very scared, nervous, sad and teary about all of this. In fact, it has been very emotional for me to write this blog entry. In Spirit ~ Kim

Bea,

Thank you for sharing some of your own experience. I'm glad it turned out benign. Whew! And, thank you for assuring me that I'm in good hands with Dr. Dayton.

Terin,

Thank you for your encouragement as well. I really appreciate your support and confirmation about Dr. Dayton's abilities based on your own experience.

I've had a couple of days to mull over the fact that I'm going to have surgery next week, and I must admit there is some peace in knowing that there is an end in sight....that I am moving forward with this whole thing. I am starting to accept the idea, and can no longer close my eyes and hope it all goes away. So, I am going to make the best of it and do what I can to get my body prepared for surgery. I'm meeting with my counselor next Tuesday to do some work to prepare. I also have appts. with two naturopaths to prepare my body, physically, for the surgery. One of the naturopaths is in Eugene. Her name is Tina Kaczer. Is anyone familiar with her work? I'll be driving down to Eugene today to meet with her, if I don't get snowed in.

If you all want to help, then you can send your prayers, chants, etc for a smooth, problem free surgery. I know I will be nervous the day of surgery, so if you want to throw in some "calming" energy, that would be great, too. ~ Kim

I managed to make it down to Eugene yesterday, inspite of the snow. The drive was actually rather nice. It reminded me of when I use to drive down there every other weekend to find community because I didn't think there was any community here in Salem. HA! Was I ever wrong!

Anyway, I met with Tina Kaczer, a naturopath. She shared a lot of information with me on things I could be doing differently to improve my health. But, for now, we are mostly focusing on what I can do, physically, to prepare my body for surgery. It's nice to know there are helpful supplements to make things go as smoothly and efficiently as possible. Then, once surgery is over and I'm all healed, we'll be doing some testing of my thyroid, vitamin D, CRP, Estrogen level, and Iron. And speaking of Estrogen...did you know that plastics have estrogen in them? I didn't know that. So, whenever you can...avoid plastics, including those plastic water bottles. Get a filter for your kitchen faucet, and drink that water. And especially, don't heat any food in plastic containers. That's when the estrogen really gets into your food.

This journey has been quite a learning experience thus far, and I'm sure the learning has just begun! My head is spinning with information....

Kim - all I can say is wow!!! I have been so tied up with my stuff I just now found out that you are going through this. Even Nori knew which made me feel bad because i wasn't there for you. But i also know that you have a very strong loving force field around you that is helping you through this every step of the way. If you need anything, please call. I will be there and Nori is sending all the love and energy she can. We both know you will feel very crappy during the radiation time. But hang in there.. make sure you drink lots of water and eat even when you don't want to. Right after my Mom died my dad got prostate cancer. He went thru radiation and as long as he forced himself to eat fiber, vitC, and lots of protien he felt ok. He said that it took him about 2 weeks after the radiation to feel good again. So just accept all the love that is coming your way and try to relax and you will get though it better than before... let the reality of your situation be wrapped with all the love for you to grow this new knowledge and spiritual journey to the next segment of your life. Yes this has changed you, but you can now take that change with all the love and soar to the grandure you were meant for... Kim my friend just remember you are loved and to reach out in your time of need... we are all here for you.

Kim, I just read your blog posting about Tina Kaczor. She is excellent! Her partner at that clinic, Teresa Silliman, has been my naturopath for over two years and both of them have been more helpful to me than any doctor I've seen. Dr. Silliman has caught things that other doctors missed, etc. I'm really glad you're seeing her. Next time you're in Eugene, let me know if you have time. It would be great to see you. Sending you all of the positive energy I have and wishing for the best possible outcome for you, Kim. You mean so much to me and so many others.
Love,
Melissa

Lisa,

No problem on not knowing what was happening. I know people have busy lives and their own issues to deal with. Thanks for the tip about eating even if I don't feel like it. I'll keep that in mind. And thanks for your words of wisdom and advice.

Melissa,

I'm glad to find that someone knows Tina Kaczer and is familiar with her work. It's always reassuring when someone can validate a doctor's credibility. It's good to know that I will be well taken care of in this challenging time. I'd like to add that Dr. Kaczor has offered to work with my Naturopath here in Salem as well as do phone consultations with me, so I won't have to drive down to Eugene too often. I think this speaks volumes for the kind of person she is when she is willing to give up some income for the best interest of her client. Kudos to Dr. Kaczer!

Hello Kim,
I just saw you at the Safeway and I actually did not know you were facing surgery this week. You were so upbeat. I truly know how extraordinary a situation you have found yourself in. I can also relay to you that the most important thing you can do right now is always have hope and never, ever crawl in bed and hide under the covers. Most of our healing, our life FORCE comes from positive thinking, faith and hope. So, although you are dealing with fear, stay strong and know we are all here to support you in adding our hope and strength to yours. You are our hero, the wind beneath our wings and it is an honor that we can all be here for you at this time in your life. Love and Hope to you and Kathy, Sara

Sara,

Thank you for such wonderful, kind, uplifting words. I love it when someone can touch my heart because it let's me know that I am loved and cared for. We all need those little reminders, especially when we go through challenging times. Thank you!!

Hi Kim~

Please know that I add my support to those who can be there for you, and while this may not have been the PTNR we were praying for, again- it is still one of the better results that could have been. That ALWAYS needs to be kept in perspective. While I have been primarily a peripheral character in your life story, I have seen a lot of the struggles and painful (as well as joyful) growth you have been through since you came out to the world and re-created it in Her image (grin)... if you can do that, you have the strength to get through this. Know that the love, care and concern of all who have been touched by you is weaving into the web of strength you have of your own.. namaste

Kim
My thoughts, prayers and positive energy are being sent to you today as you go into surgery. Take care of yourself my friend so you can heal.

Sorry it has taken me so long to post how everything went with the surgery. I took a couple of days off to just rest, and then Kathy and I went to the coast for the weekend so I could truly rest away from kids and animals. It was the best way to recover from surgery.

First, I'd like to acknowledge the last two postings on this blog...

Linda,

Yes, you have been there from the beginning of my first "coming out" process, and have always been wonderfully supportive of who I am. I so appreciate that, and all of the energetic support you have given me along the way. Thank you for your friendship and PTNR's.

Arlene,

You have been a great support through all of this breast cancer "stuff" with words of wisdom, encouragement, and enlightenment. Thank you for being here and being who you are...a kind soul.

Now, onto the surgery...

All I can say is that you all must be some very powerful women out there because everything went great!! I couldn't have asked for a better experience when facing surgery. Things went very smooth. The only real painful part was the local anesthetic to numb my breast to put the wire in. That definitely hurt! I feel sorry for the woman holding my hand during that time. I probably squeezed her fingers off! After that, the rest was a piece of cake.

I was wheeled down the halls to different rooms so they could do different things to me. The whole experience of being wheeled down the halls was very surreal. I never thought I would be in this position. I've always been very healthy. At one point, there was this big mirror looking thing so you could see if anyone else was coming around the corner. I looked up at the mirror just to make sure it was really me lying in this bed, and it was. I had a hard time grasping the reality of it all.

The surgery itself...well, it happened quicker than the blink of an eye. The guy told me he was going to give me a "mickey." I thought, "it's about time!" After he did that, I didn't feel any different. Next, they wheeled me down to the surgery room and had me move from the bed onto the surgery table. They told me to straighten out my right arm, and then straighten out my left arm. Next thing I remember is a nurse saying she's going to put an ice pack on my breast. I looked at her in astonishment and asked, "Is the surgery done?" She smiled at me and said, "Yep, you're all done." Wow! That was weird! I never felt drowsy and woke up refreshed. I wasn't in too much pain, but took some pain meds just in case. The next day, I didn't need to take any meds at all.

The next step is to wait for the pathology report. I meet with my surgeon Thursday afternoon to get the results, then we'll know what to do next.

Thank you all for your prayers, chants, mantras, PTNR's and positive energy. Keep them coming, because we're not done, yet.

Wow! My emotions are really messed up right now. I met with my surgeon and did not get the news I was expecting. I'll start off with the good news, which is that the cancer is non-invasive, has not moved into the lymph nodes, and I don't have to have chemotherapy. That's the good news. The bad news is that they did not get it all removed. In fact, there were several areas they did not get clear margins on. She said that it's like a whole bunch of small clusters all over the place.

I now have two choices...

1) Do a 2nd surgery to try to remove the rest of it.

2) Have a mastectomy.

I chose to take baby steps and go for the 2nd surgery. Therefore, I go back in, again, on February 1st, which is less than a week away.

I feel a lot more anger this time. I'm not sure why I'm angry. Maybe it's to keep from feeling the scare. I'm not concerned about the lumpectomy so much because I know now that it's not that bad, but I guess I'm more concerned about the fact that this is bigger than anyone thought and I may end up having a mastectomy afterall. It also scares me that if they missed how big this is, then what else have they missed. But, I need to focus on one step at a time, and the next step is to do the surgery and see what the results are.

Please keep those prayers and positive energy coming. I need them more than ever now.

Well, after the shock wore off and I was able to get past my anger, I had some time to give this some serious thought. Considering the fact that the doctors were not able to see how large and widespread this tumor was, I've decided to just get a mastectomy. That will be the only thing that will give me some peace of mind. Knowing myself, if I did the lumpectomy, again, I would always worry about what else they didn't see and didn't get.

My surgery date is still the same, February 1st. Only it will be one hour long and they will put me under for this one rather than a sedative. Also, I will spend one night in the hospital with 3 to 4 weeks recovery time.

Kathy and I are both scared about the surgery itself, and will be relieved once it's done.

Hi everyone. Wanted to let you that the surgery went really well yesterday and besides some tummy upset from the pain meds, Kim was recovering quite nicely. Of course, that doesn’t surprise me. In the 20 years I’ve known Kim, her resilience has always surpassed my expectations.

Kathy stayed at the hospital with Kim all day yesterday and then around 6 last night Kathy finally tore herself away to get something to eat and unwind a bit. I visited with Kim from 6:30 to about 9:30 and was extremely pleased with how coherent and responsive Kim was. I don’t know what normal recovery is, but just like most everything else Kim does, she’ll be a leader in this as well.

I picked Kim up this morning about 9 am and we got to her house shortly afterwards. Bailey was so excited to see her and Kim has expressed over and over how happy she is to be home…although she may miss that hospital bed, which evidently you ‘can shape to any position you want.’

She’s in good spirits and just wanted me to let you all know she is doing really well. The doctors expect a 3 to 4 week recovery and I’m sure by week 2, Kim will be bored out of her mind and chomping at the bit to get busy; so we may have to settle her down a little bit.

It’s uncomfortable for her to type so you may not hear from her for a week or two, but know that she is so thankful for all of you and your loving and encouraging comments, thoughts, and prayers. And as one of her oldest and best friends, I can’t thank you enough for giving her something she so loves: community!

Namaste - Julie

Geez, I am tired, tired, tired. But, let's see if I can get through this blog before crashing! It takes a lot of energy to do anything these days.

Well, as Julie mentioned above, the surgery itself went well. The difficult part was after surgery. They had a tough time getting my pain level down to a comfortable place. They gave me three different kinds of pain medication trying to find something that worked. The third one they gave me made me sick! I was wishing the pain was back because that was better than being sick. With no food in my belly, I had dry heaves. Not fun!

Next, they gave me two different kinds of medications so I wouldn't be sick anymore. Finally, the pain was tolerable and I was no longer feeling sick. It was a rough start.

I am doing pretty good now, except for feeling exhausted. I'm pretty much worthless around here. Plus, I'm not suppose to lift anything over a few pounds. And, I have this drain in me that drains all the fluids out of the surgery area. I have to empty the drain twice a day and record the amount. I'll be glad to get this thing out. It makes it difficult to sleep.

The next step, is to see my surgeon on Thursday, Feb. 8th. She will have the pathology report and will let me know the news. Let's hope for GREAT news this time!! I'm more than ready to be done with this journey!

Right now I am focusing on healing my physical body. I haven't allowed myself to feel the emotions around my loss. There have been moments when I've started to slip into the grief, but stopped myself because I just need to heal right now. I know the grief and loss process will come because I can feel little pieces of it wanting to come through, but I want to give my body all the strength it needs to heal, first. I know I am in shock right now, and that's good. The reality of it all will set in soon enough.

Your continued prayers and support are greatly appreciated. Stay tuned....

It just doesn't seem to end. I met with my surgeon today and they found a .4 centimeter size of invasive cancer. That means I have to go back in for more surgery so they can remove my lymph nodes to see if the cancer got into them. If it did, that means chemotherapy. I also don't see any choice but to remove the other breast as well. They could not see any of this, and had no idea of what was all going on. Plus, the fact that part of my cancer was Lobular means it could have traveled to the other breast.

The surgery is scheduled for next Thursday, February 15th at 11:00am. I check in at 6:30am so they can inject some dye into my one breast so they can remove the closest lymph nodes on that one, and then remove the whole breast.

Needless to say, I am a wreck!! The tears are flowing and I can't believe this is happening. It's hard to find positive in this, but if I were to think of one thing it would be the fact that the pathologist was able to find the teeny tiny .4 centimeter tumor out of the whole breast. So, if that's what your prayers and positive energy brought about, then thank you all for that.

Right now this whole thing sucks BIG time, but if it means that I can be on this earth a long time, and see my kids grow old, then it will be well worth it.

You have made the right decision to have the other breast removed, too. Like you, I was always wondering when "the other shoe would drop", and it makes life much easier to not have that worry. We will continue to pray for you. Picture yourself healed and healthy again, and you will be!

Kim, I am pissed off right along with you! The whole thing effing sucks! Even so, it is not your time to go. I don't know why it is you have to go through this, even though you are helping others while you go through your struggles, it doesn't seem enough for all the pain you are going through. All I can say is that you touch people's lives daily in a positive and encouraging way. Hopefully, we can give some of that back to you in your time of need. It can be difficult to allow others to do for you, and keep in mind you are doing for them by allowing them to do for you (I have have trouble with this one). You are supposed to be tired right now, it is to help keep you from doing too much while your body deals with major trauma. I know you know this, but thought maybe you needed to hear it again. It will all fall into place as soon as you get out of the way (most difficult thing in the world to do)and move through the process.
My thoughts and energy are with you.

Im so sorry to hear this Kim, if there is anything I can do to help please email me and ask me. I am really upset that the doctors didnt catch it the right way as they have always told women to do but I have always done self-checks and nothing else.My thoughts are with you through this. Your awesome. Stay happy sweet lady.
Dusty Rose

Kim, I was just wondering today what you had found out. While I know this is a terrible shock, I also truly believe God is not finished with you yet. We are all sending our love your way. Don't lose hope, God is not finished with you yet. Nancy

Kim, I have been reading your updates which I got behind on and burst into tears when I read the last couple of ones about the further surgeries. My heart is just breaking for you, but from the other comments I read, even though I have not known you that long, you must be a very strong woman and a true believer on the positive and those are the qualities needed for healing. You know I recently had the same scare but mine was benign. It was not the first one I have had but kept the Faith, my inner strength & positive attitude in order to maintain. Although yours has been so much more intensive, I believe you are here for a reason and that your life will be blessed in a very special way just for being you, sharing with the rest of us and for having experienced what is happening. You are in my thoughts and prayers far more than you know and you will continue to be. If you need ANYTHING from a mere acquaintance, please let me know. We are sisters in spirit and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you or Kathy. Doreen

WOW! Kim, I was so saddened to read of your breast cancer and the emotional roller coaster you've been riding on these past months.
My Mother went through this 10 years ago, when the fear and cure rate weren't as positive. She has been cancer free since. The treatment decisions are quite personal. I understand your concern and emotions; having gone through them with my family. I wish to send you two pieces of wisdom I've acquired around the aftermath of breast cancer surgery. First, feel all your feelings. They are all valid and need to be released.
Second, watch funny videos, listen to comediens you enjoy, find things to smile and laugh about on an hourly basis. Those endorphins are valuable healers.
I send my heartfilled energy your way now and each and every day you cross my mind.

Sharon,

I tried emailing you, but it was returned. I wanted to thank you for your two pieces of wisdom. I had forgotten about laughter being a natural cure. Thank you for your advice and encouragement. Thank goodness your mom is okay! I know there are a ton of breast cancer survivors, which is very encouraging.

~ Kim

I just want to take a moment to share with you all how I'm doing. Physically, I'm doing really well. It only took one week, and I was back on my feet, again. I am still very sore, and don't have full movement of my arm, but I hear that will improve over time.

Emotionally, I've been all across the board, and back around many times. One minute I'll be in tears, the next I'll be angry and pissed off, then feelings of denial, shock and overwhelmed. I also was reminded that there are worse things in life than this, as I watched a man help a women into her wheelchair.

I can still laugh and smile, hug my partner, my kids, and my friends and family. I have found that tears can be really healing. After the tears, comes release, calmness, and strength.

I've also done things I would have never done before like crying in the doctors office and all through the hospital as I went to get blood drawn. I received hugs and encouragement from total strangers. I even received movie tickets from the woman who drew my blood.

There have been many sorrows throughout this process, but there have also been many gifts and blessings. As I was sitting in my living room last Tuesday, right before my eyes flew a bald eagle past our front windows through our backyard. Never in my life have I ever been that close to a wild eagle. Then, after he flew by, another one flew in the same direction off in the distance, and right after that I saw a rainbow. Then, less than a week later, I saw a double rainbow. Next, Kathy and I went to the ocean last weekend. We drove down to Bandon because we love to see rocks in the ocean. It was incredible! The wind was so powerful, you couldn't hold your body still, and the view was breathtaking! Then, before we left our hotel room, a seagull landed on our balcony. I had two crackers I saved from the restaurant and I was able to stand out on the deck and feed him. To be that close to wildlife is such a gift.

I have been blessed in so many ways, and have been stretched and challenged to grow beyond what I thought my abilities were, and I know that this is just the beginning. Do I like this? HELL NO!! Will I see it as a gift? At times, I will, and down the road I may see it even more. It's tough when you're right in the middle of it. So, overall, I'm doing okay.

This next surgery on Thursday will be the most intense and most difficult one so far. They will be operating on both sides of my body removing all the lymph nodes on the right side, and then doing a sentinal node biopsy on the left and also removing that breast as well. I check in at 6:30 in the morning and surgery is scheduled for 11:00am. The surgery itself will be about 2:30 hours, and then I'll spend the night in the hospital and go home Friday morning, if all goes well. Your continued prayers, mantras, chants, positive and healing energy are greatly appreciated. I am very thankful, grateful and humbled by all of the support I have received from you all. You are all AWESOME women!! I will continue to keep you posted through this blog. ~ Kim

P.S. Lavender Womyn members, Karen and Lora, planted a flower for me.
If you'd like to water my flower, you may go to: Water Kim's Flower

Hello again, everyone. Kim asked me to give you an update and let you know how she’s doing. Surgery was almost on time, I think only about 20 minutes late and Kathy called me about 2 pm letting me know Kim was done with the surgery. It took another 2 hours before they moved her from recovery to her room. But let’s back up. A bit of good news: part of the procedure was the sentinel node biopsy that they performed on her left side before removing that breast. Depending on the results, they anticipated removing 1 to 4 nodes…and they only removed 1 because they didn’t find any cancer in her lymph nodes on that side! They also removed the left breast as planned.

They removed all of the nodes from the right side, probably 20 in total, and we should know the pathology results next Friday. Kim has drains on both her right and left sides, close to her underarm areas and stated the right side is significantly more painful than the left.

Coming out of the anesthesia and getting the pain under control was an extremely uncomfortable few hours for Kim. Kathy and I (and the nurse) did our best to keep her cool and comfortable and staved off the dry heaves as much as possible. Although the pain was worse than the prior surgery, she only dry heaved once, so at least her body wasn’t getting jarred and stressed on top of the pain of surgery and anesthesia.

Finally, the nausea subsided and they got enough pain meds into her that she could rest a little bit and eat some, too. A couple containers of jello, some toast and cream of wheat helped ease her hunger (she hadn’t eaten since the prior day) and it was close to 9 pm yesterday when she finished her toast.

By about 8 pm she was able to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom, and then this morning I could hardly get her to wait to put on her shoes on and head out of the hospital. She’s definitely still in pain, but alert and moving around gingerly. I can hear her puttering around as I’m typing. She just said something about combing her hair and getting those rats out. Kim’s not a vain gal, except for that dang hair of hers.

It’s going to take her a while to recover, but she already appears to be ahead of the curve…I told you before, her recovery rate is remarkable and in no small part because of the love and support flowing into her heart and spirit by all of you!

Namaste ~ Julie

I'm happy for your good news regarding the lymph nodes on your left side. Your determination to move forward in good health is a stong statement of positive intentions. Good for you!
I have some information you might find helpful in aiding your recovery. A big portion of recovery involves reducing the swelling to the traumatized area. I have utilized Arnica Montana for my own surgeries, my Mothers breast cancer surgery and my brothers skull fracture to great rewards. It can be found as a sublingual homeopathic at health food stores. It aids the body in absorbing the fluids from surgeries/bruising, etc. The quicker the swelling goes down the easier it will be to stretch your arm through a larger range of motion. I remember warning my mother that it would be better for her to stretch to her limits than to go to the physical therapist and have her/him determine how far she was capable of stretching.
I am so pleased to hear you are feeling and expressing all your emotions and showing those around you that you trust them with your emotions. Good for you!
Whether you realize it or not you have become a role model to your children on a myriad of levels.
I will continue to send you loving/healing/positive energy as you cross my mind throughout my day.

Julie, Thanks for the informative update. I appreciate the detailed information. Cream of Wheat!? Must have been really hungry .

Thursday, February 22nd 2007 @ 6:15 AM

It hurts to type, so I'll try to keep this short.

I met with my surgeon today and finally received good news this time. The cancer did not get into the lymph nodes. YEAH!! She said I do not have to do radiation and that she would not twist my arm to do chemo or hormone therapy. She said the side effects from those treatments are probably a higher risk than the chances of my breast cancer returning. Soooo…I am done!! I just need to heal now. This last surgery really took a toll on me. The lymph node removal is worse than a mastectomy, believe it or not. Also, I have some (can't remember the technical word), bleeding inside my upper chest, which is okay and will heal in a couple of months, but it caused some swelling.

They did find four places of cancer in the 2nd breast. They were tiny (.3 centimeters), but they were there in four separate places. They also found the DCIS and LCIS throughout the breast, as well. So, I definitely made the right decision to have them both removed.

Thank you for your prayers and support. You have all been wonderful!! ~ Kim

Kim - I am so happy that you are doing well. Stay strong and you will physically heal in no time. Studying what I am right now and kind of knowing what you have gone thru as far as the medical side. I know that your mental healing will come too. Just give it time, and if you need to cry, get pissed, yell, and or be happy do so. just remember to not get angry at yourself or caught up in the bad. Just keep looking at the waves, the rainbows in the sky, the looks of your kids faces and the look in kathy's eyes. There you will find all the love, comfort and support you will ever need.

Again, if you or the family need anything just call....

Love ya!!!

Great news Kim! It was nice chatting with you on the phone. You are an inspiration. :)

Hugs,

Loni

I actually have some energy today, so I thought I would take a moment and let you all know how I'm doing.

Last Tuesday was a great day because I was able to shower by myself and not end up in tears from the pain. I will say, however, that I didn't know tears could heal physical pain. I knew tears heal emotional pain, but I had never experienced the physical healing before. I was also able to ride our stationary bike for 12:30 minutes, which was an increase from the 2 minutes I was able to do before.

Today, I had my first physical therapy appointment. It was painful, yet enjoyable in the fact that this means I am on my way to getting the physical part of my life back. The day I step foot in a racquetball court will be an awesome day, so I just keep thinking about my goal to get me through the pain.

It's amazing the little day to day chores we take for granted, like being able to shave my underarms. I haven't been able to shave my right underarm since February 1st, and my left one since February 15th. Pretty soon I'll be able to braid the hair. And other things like being able to reach something up on a shelf (I now know how shorter people feel). Or, the simple task of crawling out of bed. I sometimes feel like a turtle on its back. I have to sometimes rock myself back and forth several times to get the momentum to get up on my feet. Most everything is a chore, every movement is carefully thought out, calculated and slow. But, each day is a gift because it means I'm that much closer to being healed and returning to a new "normal" lifestyle.

I've learned more about breast cancer than I ever wanted to, which some of it I will share with you all at a later time because it's information I wish I would have had. But, right now, I just wanted to let you all know I'm doing okay and taking steps forward to healing. ~ Kim

Rock on Kim!! Great news that things are going so well in your healing recovery process. We all have a tendency to forget what we have till there is a challenge before us to deal with. I am encouraged by your determination to get back to your "normal" status which we know is different for each of us. You have been such an inspiration to us during your process as any of us have been to you. You will have the knowledge & experience to share and help many in the future and if it should happen to me, I will be grateful you are there to help me along my way. Keep up the good work and know that each day is a step closer to where you want to be. Much love & God's blessings to you.

:):)

Kim, it was nice to get an update on your process. Your writing reminds me it is okay to laugh at even the painful moments. I could truly identify with your turtledom. LOL I remember planning out my moves after various surgeries on my knees. The thing about knee surgery is that it occupies your arms as well, those crutches, don't you know. Though crutches do make it easier for us short folks to reach those things on the top shelf. LOL
I imagine you have a few more challanges to overcome and a few more creative solutions to assist in the process. I hope you are able to laugh at how absurd things can get and continue to share all your feelings with those around you.
It's an amazing gift of humanity to open yourself up to sharing your emotions and needs. What an amazing thing to model; asking for and receiving help. Good for you! Thank-you!
My thoughts and best wishes continue to be with you.

Wow! It's hard to believe it's been 22 days since I've written to you all. First, thanks to both Doreen and Sarah for their latest postings. I so enjoy hearing from you all about your own experiences with challenges in life and your views on things.

For me, things are moving along well. I'm back to driving, again. I am able to shave under my left arm, but not my right side, yet. I may just see how long it can get. I started back to work last week. I can sleep fairly comfortable on my left side now. The right side is still painful. All and all, I think I'm doing pretty well considering what my body has been through. Still no racquetball playing, yet, though.

I mentioned to you last time that I wanted to share some things I learned. One is that if you ever have your breast removed, you might consider having them do what's called a "sentinel node biopsy" before they remove the breast. This is where they inject a dye into the breast and it tells the surgeon which lymph nodes are associated with the breast. Then, they can remove only those lymph nodes (1 to 4) rather than all of them. Unfortunately, my surgeon did not explain this to me before she removed my first breast. Then, when she found invasive cancer in the breast, she had no choice but to remove ALL of the lymph nodes, which means a longer recovery period and a more painful process. Plus, it increases the risk of lymph edema. Needless to say, I was not very happy about not being informed so I could make the decision rather than her deciding not to do it because she didn’t “think” there was any invasive cancer. I understand her thinking because there are risks involved when removing lymph nodes, but I do wish I would have been informed. So now you have all been informed if you’re ever faced with this decision.

The other thing I want to share is that, in my experience, the care on the 5th floor at Salem Hospital is terrible!! That might sound extreme, but I’ve spoken with others who have stayed there and they agreed with me. I will say that there were a couple of nurses there who knew what they were doing and they were great, but for the most part, the nurses were on autopilot and did not use their brains. I could share with you several examples, but probably the most extreme example I can tell you is the story where one nurse was taking my blood pressure (you know where they wrap your arm in a sleeve and it squeezes your arm real tight), while another nurse injected morphine in my IV on the same arm! This caused a reaction in my arm where it started to swell and itch really bad. So they had to give me another injection to stop the reaction in my arm. Now, I’m no brain surgeon, but common sense tells me that you shouldn’t take blood pressure and inject morphine at the same time in the same arm. So, a word to the wise, if you have to stay in the hospital overnight, be sure to have someone stay with you (a friend or family member), who can take care of you. Things would have been even worse if Kathy had not been there with me to make sure I was taken care of. On a positive note, the outpatient care was awesome. Those nurses stayed right on top of things and took great care of me.

Well, that’s about it. I want to thank you all for your wonderful support and encouragement through this whole ordeal. I received lots of wonderful cards, gifts, and supportive emails. Thanks to all of you who brought over dinners for us. It was all very yummy! Thanks to my friends Julie and Ereena who stayed with me at the house when Kathy had to go off to work. And a special thanks to my sweetie, Kathy, whom without her this would have been even more difficult to go through. You all rock!! And I feel very blessed to have such wonderful women in my life!! In Spirit ~ Kim

Kim,
Glad to see you are on the road of recovery. I cant wait for your return to raquetball. I call dibs to play your first!! I want to take advantage of your athletic weakness, and finally win my first game against anyone!!Yes I have no shame.
Glad to see you back in action.
Love ya
Sharon:P:P

Hi Sharon,

It feels great to be on the road to recovery! You'll have to arm wrestle Fun Linda on dibs for my first game back on the courts. She's already stated that she wants my first game back as well.

Kim,

You have bravely weathered this storm, cheered on by your partner, your children, your community, bald eagles, rainbows, Mother Ocean, and the spirits that watch over you. You have generously shared your journey, and for that we are grateful and in awe.

My thoughts continue to be with you as you return to racquetball and the other things you enjoy in life.
Jawea

Jawea,

Thank you for your wonderful way of acknowledging all of the healing energies in my life! It was cool to see all of them listed together in one sentence. It helped me to realize just how blessed I am!
~ Kim

Even in difficult times, there are still rainbows in life. I put a slide show together of our rainbows during this challenging time in our life. To view the show, go to: http://www.photodex.com/sharing. In the browse member section, enter the member name "windfeather" and click on "go." There are several shows out there, but the one to watch is "Road to Recovery." It can take up to 10 minutes to load, so be patient. The show is 20 minutes.

~ Kim

Kim, sweet Kim, I so enjoyed our phone conversation this week. I just read your entire blog, yes, I finally figured out how to find it and read the entire thing. My tender, caring thoughts are with you and your entire family. With all my love and prayers, I send the very best to you. I know you have so much more to do here on this planet. I look forward to sharing time with you again when you are ready. I will soon begin working on my ideas for Windfeather Expressions. Love, Joan:):)

Joan,

Congrats on figuring out how to get into the blogs! You weren't the only one who couldn't figure out how to get in, though. Blogs is still a fairly new internet tool, which people are learning to use.

Thank you for your warm and wonderful words! I, too, enjoyed talking with you. It was great to hear your voice and smile over the phone! You are an awesome woman with a loving heart! Love to you ~ Kim

Well, this has been a rough week for me, emotionally. As many of you know, I started off this year dealing with breast cancer, then I got a frozen shoulder from all of the surgeries, which I am still dealing with (8 months later). And now, I just found out that a tooth I had a root canal done on 12 years ago has gone bad, and the tooth needs to be pulled. Plus, there is "crap" with my ex-husband going on in regards to my children.

I feel like I am on this snowball that won't stop rolling. Of course, when you have medical and dental issues, that also affects your finances. I have so much to be thankful for, and I'm extremely blessed. I know things could be a lot worse, but that doesn't lesson what I'm going through right now. I'd love to hear from any of you who have been through this sort of thing, and have managed to come out a better person on the other side. How do you deal with the fact that our bodies are getting older and not functioning as well? How do you handle the damage it does to your finances? Are there any lesbian cancer support groups in Salem? The Hambleton Project closed down in June. I'd love to hear anything you have to share as words of wisdom or insight. I know this will pass, but right now I'm in the middle of it and it's not feeling too good.

Hi Kim -
Thanks for again sharing your challenges, moods and honesty with us and why the newsletters you post may not always be "up." You haven't heard much from me for many reasons--I'm not as comfortable being in large groups, my time is limited to join in so I'm not as fortunate to have the wonderful feel of the love and support you have created for many women--and yourself. I don't get support and love because I've not taken the risks you have--I also work two jobs so my social life has suffered dearly. This year has brought surgery (rotator cuff and labral tear repairs) in June that have taken a toll on me mentally and I've had to be dependent on my ex-partner because I could not drive. I've had to put off a crown until January. My 36 year-old daughter told me when I called to wish her a happy birthday that I "was never a good mom," and now my mother is starting to have cognitive issues. Throughout all this I am fortunate enough to have a house/home but no "real" partner...but I can ask for help and will get it from her. I try to look at the positive things in my life and realize there are others who face larger challenges than myself even though I'd surely like more. I see my psychologist when I think I need some support or sort things through. I've realized that I have begun to forgive people who have hurt me beyond what I could comprehend at the time. I can't kayak at present or do a lot in my yard because I'm still healing from surgery June, and I've had to decide those activities can wait. I continue to go to physical therapy for a new issue, where they are very positive. I limit my time with people who are negative and try to stay centered. I know I've missed a lot of work, but strive to not be a perfectionist, realizing I have the sick time coming, and I need to take care of my body at this time. Yes, at 62, it is difficult to see the wrinkles and realize I can't act like a kid anymore, but I can try! Today I'm finishing up a 24-hour ambulatory EEG but

Hi Kim,

I am sorry to hear all that you have been going through. I have not spoke with many of you in over a year now. I have not done so because I did not want to always share bad news in my life. I guess things are hard for all of us these days. My life and finances went out the window with my car accident in 2004. Then my daughter also was in a major car accident. We are ok, but dealing with miss placed disks in our necks. Not to make this to overly long, I could not care for my mother which had a stroke. I believe that is about the last time I spoke with anyone. After losing everything and not being able to work or get any help, I chose to work with my mother in spite of my back. We had dealt with very bad caregivers. After only three months I tore a legiment in my wrist and was unable to transfer my mother so I found myself having to put her in a nursing home leaving me without a income or insurance. On top of that my daughter was helping with relieve and we found that she at 23 may be facing heart disease. No money, no insurance and no jobs. Also just lost another partner in January. I battled cancer for 10 years and won. I shared all this so that anyone who reads it may get from it that faith is all there really is. Mine is lacking and maybe that is why I go through all these things. I do know that He promises to met our needs everyday. That does not mean we have an abundance, it is the needs like somedays just food. Please know that we all care and love each other even the ones we don't know in this group. I need to reconnect with many of you. Hope that sharing my life will give many of you hope knowing you are not alone. To all who are hurting in your body, mind or spirit, please keep everyone in prayers knowing that, that is when God will answer yours. Sincerly, Kim Smith

Pat,

Thank you for sharing what you've been going through. I am sorry to hear about all the trials you have had to endure. As you know, I can definitely understand what that is like. I hope you will be able to reach out more to the community to get the support you need. I have found the Lavender Womyn to be amazing, especially during times of crisis. They are such caring women with hearts of gold.

Go easy on yourself and do good selfcare. Something that is ringing loud in my ear is to get back to meditation. This is something I have neglected for quite some time, and I need to bring this great healing method back into my everyday life. Maybe you will do the same?

Many Blessings to you ~ Kim

Kim,

It appears that many of us have been struck with challenges in our lives. Thank you for your sharing, and I hope things will start getting easier for you and your family. You have some good advice, and I hope you will adhere to your words. Also, as I mentioned to Pat, you might bring meditation into your life as well. I know I'm going to. Hang in there and remember (as I will)..."this too shall pass."

Many Blessings to you ~ Kim

Kim,
You are just amazing, and I am so glad you are healing and doing so well. You are so brave and so out of respect for that I will answer a question you asked me years ago, why I dont hang out - well the answer is social phobia due to years of abuse when I was a child. I think out of admiration for your courage I shall work at changing myself. Thank you so much for sharing what you have and all that you do for the gay community in Oregon. You are a brave soul. Kathy

Kathy,

Thank you for finding the bravery to share your scare. You are not alone. There are many people who feel as you do, and have been abused in their childhood. I don't say that to lessen what you have been through, but to let you know that you're not alone and to give you hope that many have overcome these fears, and I know you can, too. I know it's a difficult process. I have a close friend who was terribly abused as a child and she continues to work on her issues and I have seen such growth and progress in her life. It's amazing! You have already taken a major step by voicing your scare in this blog. The first step is to name "it." Now, you can work on facing it and challenging yourself to move through the scare. There is a great counselor in Salem whom I've known for years, and has helped me in my life path. Her name is: Mary Hammond. She is coming out with a book in the next month or two. Here's her website: http://www.onedynamicenergetichealing.org/

Sending my prayers to you as you travel a difficult journey, and I hope to see you at a Lavender Womyn's event someday.

In Spirit ~ Kim

It's been awhile since I've written to this blog, so I wanted to give everyone an update on how I'm doing.

The tooth extraction went well. It feels strange having a big gap in my mouth, but I am getting use to it. I'm still working on my frozen shoulder through physical therapy and acupuncture. It's been a long, slow process but there is definite improvement. I'd say I'm about 93% healed. In fact, last November I was out playing racquetball for the first time since the surgeries. Granted, I had to play left handed, but at least I could play.

My emotional state is vastly better. Thanks to all of the support I received from many of you, I have brought meditation back into my life and that has made a huge difference. If any of you are still struggling in your lives, keep hanging in there because it will get better. Focus on the positives and good things in life, and take it one moment at a time.

Here's to a great 2008!!

In Spirit ~ Kim

Kim, there is a petition on line to ban toxic plastics at thenation.com, all you have to do is plug in you name and address and the letter is already written up for you, there is also one stop the coming war with Iran, and hold Bush accountable. I hope you get a chance to check this out, I have become a bit of an activist the older I get. Goddess bless, Kathy